Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Emotionally Focused Therapy explores the emotional needs and fears beneath recurring arguments and disconnection.
Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me?
This might be your door if
- You keep returning to the same argument, even when the topic changes.
- One of you pushes for connection, and the other goes quiet, and both of you feel like the problem.
- An illness, birth, betrayal, move or another significant event changed your relationship, and you have struggled to reconnect.
- You're not in crisis. You're just further apart than you want to be.
What actually happens
We begin by identifying the sequence you fall into, so you can both recognise it as it happens. Then we explore the feelings and needs underneath, such as wanting to know that you matter and can rely on each other. The work helps you express those needs and respond to each other in new ways, at a pace that feels manageable.
What this isn't
I don't referee, and I won't tell you which of you is right. I also won't work this way where there's ongoing violence or coercion in a relationship: couples work in that situation can put someone at more risk, not less, and the right support is different.
When Couples Therapy May Not Be Suitable for this approach
Couples therapy works best when both partners are willing to engage in the process and can participate safely. However, it is not appropriate for every relationship or situation.
Couples therapy may not be suitable when:
- Domestic Violence, Abuse or Coercive Control: There is ongoing physical violence, coercive control, intimidation, or abuse that compromises one partner’s safety or freedom to speak openly. In these circumstances, individual support and specialised domestic violence services are more appropriate than joint therapy.
- Active, Unmanaged Substance Use or Addiction: Severe or unmanaged substance use significantly affects a partner’s ability to participate safely and meaningfully in sessions. Individual treatment or specialised addiction support may be needed before couples therapy can be considered.
- Conflicts of Interest or Individual Therapy Arrangements: One or both partners are already receiving individual therapy from me, or there is an expectation that I will keep significant relationship information or ongoing affairs secret from the other partner. These situations can compromise therapeutic neutrality, trust, and the integrity of the couples therapy process.
- Little or No Willingness to Participate: One or both partners are unwilling to engage in the process or lack genuine willingness to explore their individual and relationship dynamics. Couples therapy requires a basic level of participation and openness to reflection, even when partners have different goals or are uncertain about the future of their relationship.
If any of these circumstances apply, couples therapy may not be the right starting point. I encourage you to seek support from a suitably qualified professional or specialised service that can better meet your needs.
Common questions
- Do we both have to come?
For couples work, yes. But EFT's understanding of attachment is just as useful in individual sessions if your partner isn't willing or ready, and plenty of people start there.
- Is it possible to have individual sessions with the same therapist in couples therapy?
Occasional individual sessions within couples therapy: You meet separately with each partner, for example, during the assessment phase or when an issue needs to be explored individually before returning to joint sessions. These meetings remain part of the couples therapy process.
- What if one of us does not want to be here?
We can talk openly about that. Understanding each person’s concerns and willingness to take part helps us decide how to proceed.
- Is this only for romantic relationships?
No. This approach can also explore attachment patterns in family relationships, including between parents and adult children.
- How is this different from communication skills training?
Communication skills can be useful. EFT also explores the emotional needs and fears driving the pattern, helping you understand what makes communication difficult in the first place.
Before we start, one important thing
This therapy is not a substitute for crisis or safety intervention. It isn't appropriate if you are currently in an unsafe or dangerous situation, or if you are at immediate risk of harming yourself or ending your life. In those circumstances you need crisis, emergency or specialised support first.
Somatic psychotherapy is also unsuitable for people who have recently faced, or are currently facing, legal allegations.
You might also be looking at
Somatic Counselling
Compassionate Inquiry
Ready to start?
Book a first session, or write to me if you'd rather ask something before you do.