Somatic Couples and Relational Therapy
The enemy is not your partner. It’s the loop the two of you keep falling into — and that loop can be worked with.
This might be your door if
- You recognise the pursuer: when you feel disconnected, you push for reassurance or answers, and it can come out as criticism or protest.
- You recognise the withdrawer: the intensity overwhelms you, so you go quiet, leave the room, or try to solve it logically to keep the peace.
- You recognise the loop: the more one pushes, the more the other pulls away — and the more they pull away, the harder the other pushes.
- Your surface arguments are hiding deeper fears about whether you matter to each other.
- You want a structured, evidence-based path rather than open-ended conversation.
- Something broke trust, and you both want to know whether it can be repaired.
What actually happens
I won’t sit with you in vague conversation. I’ll guide you through a structured process, and in my experience that usually takes somewhere between eight and twenty sessions.
We work with the pattern between you: the recurring conflict, the emotional disconnection, the reactivity, the thing that keeps repeating no matter how hard you both try. Much of it was shaped long before this relationship — by earlier experiences, emotional wounds, each partner’s attachment style, and beliefs about what relationships are.
So we look at how each of your histories, nervous-system responses, core beliefs, emotional needs and protective strategies feed the dynamic. We notice how each of you relates to yourself, and to the other, when you feel vulnerable: that is where attachment wounds and protective patterns show themselves, and where more authentic ways of connecting can begin. Not to resolve one argument, but to understand what is happening underneath all of them.
The aim is more self-awareness, more emotional safety, more compassion, and a connection where both of you feel understood.
What this isn’t
I’m not a referee, and I won’t issue a verdict on who is right. If you’re here for me to confirm that the problem is your partner, this will be frustrating.
It isn’t couples mediation or a negotiation about logistics, and it isn’t appropriate where there is violence or coercive control in the relationship. In that case each of you needs separate, specialised support first.
Common questions
- What if only one of us wants to come?
- Then we work with one of you. A relational pattern has two ends, and changing one end changes the pattern. It isn’t as fast, but it isn’t nothing.
- Will you take sides?
- No. The thing I’m working with is the cycle between you, not either of you individually. That’s not diplomacy — it’s where the change actually happens.
- Do we have to talk about our childhoods?
- When it’s relevant. What each of you learned about closeness tends to show up in how you reach for each other now, so it usually earns its place.
- How long does this take?
- Usually between eight and twenty sessions for the structured work. I’d rather tell you that up front than be vague about it.
Before we start, one important thing
This therapy is not a substitute for crisis or safety intervention. It isn't appropriate if you are currently in an unsafe or dangerous situation, or if you are at immediate risk of harming yourself or ending your life. In those circumstances you need crisis, emergency or specialised support first.
Somatic psychotherapy is also unsuitable for people who have recently faced, or are currently facing, legal allegations.
You might also be looking at
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Family Constellations
Ready to start?
Book a first session, or write to me if you'd rather ask something before you do.