Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
EFT works with attachment: the cycle underneath the argument, and the need underneath the cycle. Most couples aren't fighting about what they think they're fighting about.
This might be your door if
- You have the same argument in different clothes, and neither of you can remember how it starts.
- One of you pushes for connection and the other goes quiet, and both of you feel like the problem.
- Something changed after an event — an illness, a birth, a betrayal, a move — and you haven't found your way back.
- You're not in crisis. You're just further apart than you want to be.
What actually happens
First we find the cycle: the specific sequence the two of you fall into, step by step, until both of you can see it happening in real time rather than only afterwards.
Then we go underneath it. Almost always there's a need on both sides that never made it into words — usually about whether you matter to the other person, and whether you can count on them when it counts.
The work is making that need sayable, and making the other person's response to it different from what each of you has come to expect. That's the part that changes things, and it's slower and quieter than an argument.
What this isn't
I don't referee, and I won't tell you which of you is right. I also won't work this way where there's ongoing violence or coercion in a relationship: couples work in that situation can put someone at more risk, not less, and the right support is different.
Common questions
- Do we both have to come?
- For couples work, yes. But EFT's understanding of attachment is just as useful in individual sessions if your partner isn't willing or ready, and plenty of people start there.
- What if one of us doesn't want to be here?
- That's worth saying out loud in the room rather than working around. Reluctance usually has a reason, and it's often the same reason that's driving the cycle.
- Is this only for romantic relationships?
- No. The same attachment patterns run in family relationships — parents and adult children especially — and the work translates.
- How is this different from communication skills training?
- Techniques for talking help when the disconnection is mild. When it isn't, people use their new skills to have the same fight more politely. EFT goes for the emotional need driving the cycle instead.
Before we start, one important thing
This therapy is not a substitute for crisis or safety intervention. It isn't appropriate if you are currently in an unsafe or dangerous situation, or if you are at immediate risk of harming yourself or ending your life. In those circumstances you need crisis, emergency or specialised support first.
Somatic psychotherapy is also unsuitable for people who have recently faced, or are currently facing, legal allegations.
You might also be looking at
Somatic Couples and Relational Therapy
Somatic Counselling
Ready to start?
Book a first session, or write to me if you'd rather ask something before you do.